Mad World

I've become utterly intimidated by this blog. I can still post freely on my myspace blog, but here...it's like I'm Hitler and I'm on stage trying to entertain an audience of allied soldiers. Nothing's going to work.

It's been a couple weeks since I tried to write on here, but school has been battering me around. I had a moment today...I was making up an exam I had missed while in the hospital with a viral infection last month. I had to take the test in what was essentially a hallway right outside a couple of offices. In one office my professor chatted with a student about video games. In the other, another prof who apparently heads the department or serves on some nonsensical bureaucratic committee feverishly held a phone conversation. They were discussing the third paragraph in some official letter that had to do with policy regarding the termination of professors. The way he kept going on and on about how the paragraph "just wasn't right" in such a loud and irritating tone made concentrating quite difficult. Not to mention the pertinent debate going on in the other room about Assassin's Creed and whether the combat style is too disorienting. The Paragraph Professor annoyed me the most. And distracted me to no end. Needless to say, I didn't do very well on the exam. But then I had that moment when I realized the folly of so much of society's existence. This guy's life has come down to sitting in an office and having stressful phone conversations about some words in an insignificant letter? So much of what everyone is this world HAS to do in order to "earn a living" is just preposterous. What's worse is the way so many get wrapped up in what they're doing and fall victim to the fallacy that it is worth stress and precious time. Holden Caulfield must be weeping in a beer somewhere. In today's world you're almost required to become a "phoney." (be someone or something you are not) And I include in that, spending your time, life, and energy on things that mean very little to you personally. Reports? Sales figures? Mission Statements? Resumes? When did the world become all about being fake and "selling yourself," "putting forth an image," and ultimately filling each day with nonsense?

I know some of your out there will read this and perhaps agree with the sentiment, but then that adult in you will kick in and you'll give me a pat on the head before telling me how not everyone can just pursue their passions in life -- that all those things (reports, committees, charts, company policies, etc) are all important. It's like we all fall asleep and forget that we each only have a limited time on this planet. Why must we WASTE it worrying over complete bullshit that deep down we really don't care about? Honestly -- what's more important to you: the stuff you do all day at work, what you learn in school -- or your family, your friends, art, music, books, nature, holidays, etc????? I realize we have to have jobs in order to survive, but how do so many seem to just accept it and disconnect from the inner self and it's longings? How do people go through each day CARING about the nonsense they have to do? When time is so short and life so tenable -- how can you sit in a dreary office all day freaking out over some damn paragraph in a letter and NOT be severely upset about the fact that that is what your life has come to? I don't understand the mechanics behind it. How do you will yourself to forget what you really care about and instead do all that other garbage?

I don't know....I just don't know where or how I'm meant to fit into this world. Unless it involves something I genuinely care about or am interested in, I just don't see how I can do the same thing day after day.